For Alan.

Alan. I find myself wishing for something I know is impossible. Something I never thought could be an impossible thing. I keep finding this thought circling the track of my mind: I wish you were here. 

I wish you were here when I drive home and pass Glendale Avenue and 7th Street. Facetiming you became a ritual after working out. I want to share my day with you and ask you what you're doing. I want to hear about the new idea for a business or the funny thing Critter did at work. I wish you were here.

I wish you were here when I've had a bad day. More than once I've reached for my phone to call you and get your advice, only to stare at it in isolated agony. I once told you that I was so exhausted and stressed from being a single mom. Your response was, "You're strong enough to handle this." 

"But I don't want to have to be anymore." 

"I know," you said. 

I find myself wishing to hear your words and wisdom full of absolutes. Your mind had a way to make every single detail work towards your plans and dreams. You found ways to turn my doubts into drives and quell my always-present fears. I wish you were here.

I wish you were here when I think of Asher's birthdays. A few months before you left I thought it would be neat to take a photo of you holding Asher until he got too big to hold anymore. Alan and Asher Alan chumming it up until Asher grew into a man who could carry his godfather. Your thoughtfulness always showed in the random gift you'd bring that somehow turned into something we didn't know we needed. Getting to watch you mingle with my family in your goofy way with your magnetic energy always made me smile. I wish you were here. 

I wish you were here when I think of your laugh. The one that would make your eyes water and the only sound that could escape your mouth was a gasping-for-air squeak. That hunched-over-in-spasms kind of laugh.  I wish you were here.

I wish you were here when I see the Wall Street Journal. You loved that damn newspaper. You wanted to know what was happening everywhere and how it was all connected. As you cultivated knowledge I knew you felt better-connected to the world and the plight of your fellow man---celebrating in their successes and learning from their missteps. You rolled your eyes every time I showed disinterest in the next article you wanted me to listen to. You still read it to me anyways. You shared what you enjoyed and found a way to make it exciting for me. I wish you were here. 

I wish you were here when my mind forgets you're gone and I wonder what you're up to. I seem to always picture you sitting on your patio drinking coffee and turning the pages of a book or newspaper. The sun is always setting with the light on your face... And then my mind resets and I realize that you aren't here to do that anymore. 

Oh, how I wish you were here.